Harry and The Ron
by Project S.P.E.D
Summary: A Pinky & The Brain Spof-type thingy. Involves sex-crazed cows, modern dance, and Moo-ing. Moo. ^^ R/R if you want. -The Editor


Brainstormers' note: Welcome to the newest edition of Project SPED! As we all know, cows are by far the noblest of creatures, for they feed the hand that bites them. They make up an important part of world history, being worshiped by (I think) Indians and cowboys alike. They also make up a good deal of my wardrobe. I think it is only right for us to feature cows in a fan fiction, on today, holiest of all, The New Official COW DAY! (says me.) Sooooo…ENJOY! ::waddles off chewing on a piece of Land-o'-Lakes Yellow American Cheese, muttering about Canteen Boy and Tim Currey and Neville:: 

"Harry, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so Ron, but if we wear mink coats, won't the minks be cold?"

"No. I just decided what we are going to do tonight."

"Why Ron, what are we going to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night. Try to do something stupid and not get caught!"

"Poit, you are _so smart_ Ron. But what are we going to do?"

"Well, the other day, when we went to Hogsmeade, I saw a bunch of cows in a field. I have an idea of what we can do that will be fun with cows."

"What's that?"

"Cow-tipping!"

"Naaaaarf. But why would we tip the cows?"

"Why shouldn't we?"

"Ummm, good point."

"Going somewhere boys?" It was Hermione (if you watch Pinky and the Brain, then Hermione is the equivalent of Snowball.)

"Why, yes, we were just going-mrphhhs."

"Why, no Hermione. We were just going for a nice stroll."

"Oh, I think not. This is a school night, and you're not supposed to go out of the Commons."

"Well, don't worry about it, we can take care of ourselves."

"Oh, I know that. But if you even think of leaving the dorms, I'll be telling Dumbledore."

"Yes, we know. You do that often."

"Lalalalalalaaaalaaaa!" Harry was dancing around in a tutu.

"Stop that!"

WHAP! Ron had whapped him on the head.

"Right-o Ron. Poit." Hermione walked off, Ron watching her hips sway back and forth. He hated her so much. Ms. Prefect with her prefect-ness. Just because she was a prefect she thought she had the right to boss everyone around and be all prefect-y. Well, he'd show her.

"Come Harry. We have work to do."

"Mhpmhpmhpmhppp."

"_Why _did I leave the stupid tape out?" Ron smacked himself on the forehead.

y w ¨ w y

"Ron? Why are be walking around in the dark?"

"Because we don't want to be seen. And keep your voice down."

"Oh, sorry. But why do I have to wear bunny ears?"

"I never told you to wear bunny ears."

"Oh. Must have been me then, bwaha haha hahaha." Ron smacked himself on the forehead again, a pained expression on his face.

y w ¨ w y

Ron and Harry snuck up to the first cow they saw standing in the field, docilely chewing its cud in its sleep. As Ron put his hand on the brown cow, it woke up, and blinked at him.

"Moo?" it said. Harry looked at the cow oddly, but Ron did not notice. Suddenly, the Romeo and Juilet theme wells up, and Harry looks at the cow with shining eyes.

"MOOOO!" Harry yelled, as he threw his arms around the cow's neck. The cow continued chewing with a strained look, or, as strained a look as a cow can have. 

"Harry! Stop that! We still must perform our mission."

"But we can't tip my one and only love over!" Harry wrapped his arms around the cow tighter. The cow grunted and continued chewing.

"Oh, Harry, there will be other cows, in other fields. But right now, we must tip this cow!" 

"NO! I won't let you!" Harry screamed 

y w ¨ w y

__

Ah, it's a good thing I followed them! I knew they were going to tip these cows, because I'm so smart! Hermione thought, her hands on her hips in a smart position. She saw Ron pushing with all his weight on the large brown cow's side, and Harry clinging to its neck. She actually felt a little sorry for the cow. 

Well, at least I'm helping the cow, she thought as she pulled up her sleeves and pulled out her wand. She pointed it at Ron and said, _"Darius!"_ Ron stopped pushing the cow as he himself turned into a large, brown cow. Hermione did the same to Harry, and he looked somewhat surprised as he grew a tail and horns. 

y w ¨ w y

The cow that Ron had been attempting to tip lookedat Harry. (Just for the record, her name was Isabell.) As she spotted him, her eyes went wide and she let a loud 'moo' out. She sidled up to him and began rubbing him with her horns and head. 

Even though Harry had been in love with the cow only moments before, he wasn't sure he liked being the object of its affections anymore. He attempted to back slowly away from it, but as he turned around, he found twenty more cows staring him in the face. 

"Mooo?" he said. The cows charged at him, and he just narrowly missed being gored by the love-sick stampede. 

Ron, however, had other things on his mind than sex-crazy cows. (Behind him, a bunch of cows chasing Harry run back and forth, as he stands thoughtfully.)

__

Hmm, he thought_, right now, I am a cow. I am not normally a cow. I have sharp horns, when I am a cow. Sharp horns can hurt, as do most sharp things. I could seriously hurt someone with my horns. In my human form, I would like to hurt Malfoy, but in my human form, I can't, because I will be recognized, and punished. But I can hurt him with my horns, and since I am usually not a cow, I will not be blamed! Therefore, as a cow, I have an advantage over Malfoy!_

"Moo! Moomomommooo!" he said, which translates into "Come Harry! We must go back to the castle!"

"Moo-o Moo" which translates to, " Right-o Ron." Harry turned around abruptly, and the cows stopped dead in their tracks.

"Moo moo moo oo moomomomommom moo mom mo moo." Harry told them, which means, roughly, "I'm sorry ladies, I must go now, but I'll try and come back later, to visit you." He flashed them as much of a smile as a cow can flash, and they all fell to the ground in cow faints. 

y w ¨ w y

Once back in the castle, Harry and Ron snuck around corners, trying to remember how to get to the Slytherin dorms. They finally found it, and hid as best as two cows could behind a tapestry. 

After not too long, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle came waddling down the corridor, snickering about whatever they had just done. 

"Who knew that you could fit up to 7 first years into a garbage can?" Draco said. Of course, being cows, Harry and Ron didn't know what he said, but they caught the gist of it. 

"Moomoomoomoo," Ron told Harry, which meant "Okay, now, this is it."

"Moomoomomoomommom," he instructed Harry ("Run straight at Crabbe or Goyle's bum."). 

"Moo Moo, moo moom mommoo," Harry told Ron ("I don't swing that way.")

"Moomoomoo momomo." Ron replied, testily (Just lower your head and poke 'em with your horns!")

Brainstormer's note: For the sake of the author's and the reader's sanity, I will stop writing the moo's, and just translate everything to English. However, for this to work, the reader must remember that Ron and Harry will not be speaking in English, until they are turned back into humans. Whoops, just gave away part of the plot, didn't I? Anyhoo, back to the story…

And so phase one went sucessfully, and Malfoy wouldn't be able to sit for a couple of weeks, not to mention Goyle. Ron and Harry ran through the halls in a stampede of happiness. They started to slow down, and as they turned a corner, they ran into Hermione.

"Well, I showed you, now didn't I?" she said, grinning malevolently at them, her hands on her hips again (which made her look very smart). 

"Oh, you did this? Well, thanks. You gave us a fun. I didn't know Malfoy had that much fat on his bum. Was almost like a pillow." The two parties couldn't understand each other, but they could figure it out, seeing as they'd known each other for so long. 

"Yeah. I doubt Malfoy's gonna be eating hamburger for a while. I bet he won't even be able to look at it, poit baha ha ha ha." Harry said.

Hermione was barking mad. Her spell hadn't made Ron and Harry sorry, it had given them a fun time. 

"THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOIN' TO DUMBLEDORE!" she screamed.

"Uh oh. I don't think Hermione is a happy person right now. Hermione, I think you need to express your feelings more. You know what I always find helps me express my feelings? Modern dance! La lalalalala laaaa la!" Harry the Cow did a cow dance, which is a kind of dance cows do. 

Hermione just growled, and conjured an electric cattle prod. She kept poking them in their big cow butts with the zapper, herding them to Dumbledore's office. 

They finally got there, and Dumbledore was waiting outside.

"Professor, look! This is Harry, and Ron! I caught them trying to tip a cow, so I turned them into cows. Then, they came back, and poked Draco Maloy and his friends in the butts! They should be punished!" she was positively livid. Dumbledore just stood with a senile smile on his face.

"I do not recognize these cows. And nor do I recall hearing about any tipped cows. For all I know, you just turned them into cows, and poked Malfoy yourself. Perhaps it's you who should be punished." Hermione could stand it no longer. Her face turned red, and steam came out of her ears. She screamed in rage, and ran away as fast as she could. Dumbledore chuckled and pointed his wand at harry and Ron. "_Top o' the food-chainus"_ he said, and they turned back to humans. 

"But I thought you thought we were really cows." Ron said.

"Oh, I knew you were humans. The wise work in mysterius ways Ronald. The stars know why they shoot. The sun knows whom is rotates around. The snaps know why they pop and crackle, the frog…" Dumbledore walked down the corridor still talking to himself, or, better yet, babbling to himself. Ron shrugged, and Harry just kept doing what he had been doing before, which was practicing his modern dance.

"Come Harry, take off that leotard and help me prepare for tomorrow night."

"Why Ron? What're we doing tomorrow night?"

"The same thing we do every night. Try and do something stupid and not get caught!"

"Oh, right. You told me that before."

"Take off the tutu Harry!"

"Right-o Ron."

Brainstormer's note: You may think that this story is all humor, and fun, and happy. But you are wrong, for there is one sad element to this story. The story is sad because _Harry never saw Isabell again! _::sheds a tear:: Now? ::wipes eyes:: Do you see why the story is not funny? ISABELL DIED OF LONLYNESS! ::falls weeping to the floor, squishing her cheese:: I'M SO SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! Now, r/r, and keep in mind: this being Project SPED, any flamers shall be cheered on and inserted into our next fic, where they shall be shamelessly tortured with bad Health class movies and Presidential debates! 


End file.
